Monday, May 8, 2017

A Day In The Life Of... A Girl With Tattoos

Tattoo Number 4 is official! I kept saying it was going to happen, and after over a year of talking about getting it I finally did.

Psalm 46:5 "God is within her, she will not fall;
God will bring her help at break of day."
I asked one of my sisters to draw/write this tattoo for me since she doesn't want to get a tattoo with me, and my handwriting is terrible so I wasn't about to write it. I wanted something unique and special for this one, so just picking a font wasn't going to cut it. This verse became one of my mantras over the last 3/4 years (other mantras include, "Not my circus, not my monkeys", "I am enough", and "Everything is ahead"). The last 3 or so years have been particularly rough for me, especially emotionally as I worked through some things, and I started repeating this verse to myself as a reminder that I just had to get through one day, and that I wasn't as on my own as I felt.

I've struggled with how to put into words what this tattoo means to me. This tattoo was a culmination of a journey in away, and it means so much that I've finally had it inked on my skin.

Failure is one of my biggest fears (right up there with heights and deep water). I found this verse particularly helpful as I faced feelings of failure in my personal life, professional life, and worked though some personal things that weren't the easiest to emotionally process. This verse was especially helpful as I attempted to recover from an eating disorder (ED) for what felt like the hundredth time (and probably was at least the hundredth time). The fear of failure plagued me in school, and it's followed me every day of my career. This fear of failing has kept me from trying things I probably could have done well. The thoughts of "what if I fail, what if I can't, what if it doesn't work out?" followed me. I'm constantly worried that I won't succeed at something, though I'm not sure why since I haven't actually failed that often. Repeating this verse to myself is a reminder that I'm not going to fail/fall, there is always something to learn if I don't succeed how I wanted to.

It also reminds me that each day is a new opportunity to try again. Today may have been super crappy, but maybe tomorrow won't be. I'll feel better/stronger in the morning, and maybe it will be a better day. It gives me hope knowing whatever it is I didn't do so well today I can work on doing better tomorrow. All I can do each day is give it 100%, and if I can say I did my best then I did enough.

It always amazes me how quickly I adjust to a new tattoo. The first few days I'm very aware of it as the healing process begins (especially with number four), but after that it just becomes a part of me, like it's always been there. In a way it has always been there, just not a permanent visible reminder to me and broadcasting to the world that I'm one of those people who has tattoos. My tattoos show my journey, my story, and they're a way to bring myself back to my center when I start to drift.

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